I Struggle With Motherhood When

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I struggle with motherhood when I feel lonely and yet I’m absolutely never alone, not even when using the bathroom.

I struggle with motherhood when I am so tired I just want to sleep past 5:30 a.m, and most days I can’t, because my son is awake and demanding attention. Now.

I struggle with motherhood when everyone expects me to be happy and grateful 24/7 because my son is handsome and happy and healthy and shouldn’t that just be enough?

I struggle with motherhood when I just want to talk about the darkness surrounding motherhood and whomever I’m talking to just changes the subject because talking about the darkness isn’t done. I am a mother, after all, to a happy and healthy boy; shouldn’t that just be enough?

I struggle with motherhood when nobody tells me that it’s okay to feel bad and that I don’t need fixing.

I struggle with motherhood when I’m pregnant with my second child and I’m so tired that I give my first child my iPhone so I can lay on the couch for a few minutes with my eyes closed.

I struggle with motherhood when childless friends complain about boyfriends and work problems that just seem so trite and irrelevant.

I struggle with motherhood when my boss pretends to understand what it’s like to be a working mother, but doesn’t really, because his wife stayed at home with the kids. And he really just wants me to answer his email now.

I struggle with motherhood when I don’t feel like smiling at my son, but I do anyways, because I feel like shit if I’m not constantly trying.

I struggle with motherhood when my husband goes out occasionally, and urges me to do so as well, but the thought of meeting up with my childless friends or my mother friends just seems like a ginormous task that’s too difficult to follow through with.

I struggle with motherhood when I know I should socialize more, but I don’t even have time to spend by myself, so it constantly feels like I’m shortchanging absolutely everyone, but most of all, myself.

I struggle with motherhood when I carry the guilt of the working mother, like a cross on my shoulders, and don’t take too much time for myself on the weekends because the hours, the days, the weeks, the years are passing me by and one day I’ll look back and believe I didn’t enjoy my child enough when he wanted nothing but me.

I struggle with motherhood when I believe that family should help out more than they currently are.

I struggle with motherhood when I feel like I don’t have enough energy in my pie for the rest of my family.

I struggle with motherhood when I believe that I’m just not doing enough.

I struggle with motherhood when people ask me if I’m pregnant when in fact I just don’t have time to exercise now that I have a baby to take care of.

But most of all, I struggle with motherhood when I feel lonely, and yet I’m absolutely never alone, not even when using the bathroom.

(Photo Credit: Kristen La Valley)

The Passage Of Time

20 months
20 Months
21 months
21 Months
22 months
22 Months
23 months
23 Months
24 months
24 Months
25 months
25 Months

Happy Monday Everyone! I’ve been thinking about the passage of time over the last few days, and how we all at one point or another say, “I can’t believe another year has gone by,” or “It’s almost July, how did that happen?” In my twenties, I used to measure my years by the achievements I accomplished, and in my thirties, I’ve focused more on moments, simple pleasures, and trying to fill my days with things that I love. Here are a few pictures of Colin that show how much he has changed in just six months. With his language exploding daily, I just want to hold time in my hands and enjoy him every moment.

3 Projects To Support On Kickstarter

I’m a sucker for books, and since Colin was born, I’ve become obsessed with children’s books as well.

Today, I found 3 Children’s Books on Kickstarter that I will probably end up supporting.

Vivian The Dog Moves to Brooklyn

As a child, my family and I moved a lot between Colombia and Connecticut, and it was the hardest thing ever. The most difficult move was when we all left our friends in the States and headed to Bogota at the tender and difficult ages of 16, 13, and 11. While we all turned out okay in the end (!), in the moment we were culture shocked, lost, and quite frankly missing our Dad (whose eventual transfer to Bogota never happened).

Anyways, “Vivian The Dog Moves to Brooklyn” is a book about a big dog moving from Albuquerque, New Mexico to Brooklyn, New York. In the book, Vivian is a giant dog, and she loves big spaces. When she learns that she and her human will be moving to NYC, she’s ecstatic and thinks that everyone will be as big as she is…

Except she soon discovers that she’s the only giant dog around and that Brooklyn is pretty cramped.

This is a book that will help kids (and adults), deal with giant-sized changes. Looking back, having a book like this would have totally made our experience of moving less lonely.

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The Boy and The Lemon

When James’ wife was pregnant with their first child, he read a book called The Luck Factor, which detailed that lucky people share a certain attitude and way of approaching life. The author said that if you taught people that attitude, and got them to incorporate it, they could, in essence, become luckier.  

That’s where The Boy and The Lemon comes in – a rhyming story that teaches kids the secrets of being lucky. What’s great about this campaign is that for every book bought by someone, a second book will be donated to a school, a library, or a less advantaged family.

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Learn Languages Through Stories

We are raising Colin to be bilingual and we only speak to him in Spanish. But because we live in the UK and he’s exposed to English at daycare, all over Greenwich, and when Evan and I speak it, he speaks more English than he does Spanish, even though he understands everything we say to him in Spanish.

Alex and Jonny, co-founders of One Third Stories, are on a mission to inspire more children to love and learn foreign languages, and they’ve created a beautiful book that starts in English and ends in a different language. You get to choose whether the ending is in Spanish, French, or Italian. How cool is that?

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Curious to hear…Which is your favorite project?

Motherhood and the Cincinnati Zoo incident

Harambe

Unless you’ve been under a rock for the last two weeks, I’m sure you’ve heard of The Cincinnati zoo killing Harambe, a gorilla, to save a 4-year old boy that fell into his enclosure. There’s a few things that rattle me about this incident, one being that most of the criticism has been directed at the Mom of the boy, even though the father was also present. There’s also a petition on Change with almost 500k signatures, claiming to want to ensure that the children of the involved family are safe. I also wonder why any bystander who saw the boy climb didn’t grab him before he fell into the enclosure. I’m sure that would have presented some other problems, but none as vicious as the killing of an Animal and all the finger pointing circulating the internet. To the mom of the 4-year old boy, I’m so glad your son is okay. I’m so glad he was able to go home with you after a brief stint in the hospital.

I’m a pretty chill parent, but this week, I’ve started to imagine unimaginable things happening to Colin. On Friday, I took him to the park to play with rocks (he calls them yellow), and as he climbed the bench outside the café, I could see the possibility of him falling backward, and splitting his head open. In another instant, he was running, twisting and turning amongst the grass and the pavement and he got distracted (looking at a truck, or anything, really, if I’m honest), and when I noticed a metal gate three feet in front of him, I envisioned him slamming into it, and gauging his eyes out. These are graphic, and visions that I wasn’t having three weeks ago.

Today, we were celebrating the baptism of our friend’s baby and we were sitting in the garden of the local pub. There was a doorway that led to a play area, (cement pavement where kids can play free of cars). Colin ran to the doorway and I followed him, and per the usual, he was about two feet ahead of me, when a man on a bicycle (who wasn’t supposed to be there), missed hitting him by about a second. The biker was in the process of falling off the bike to avoid hitting Colin. And both him and Colin were freaked out by this incident. For the rest of the time we were at the pub, I couldn’t help but wonder, what would have happened if a bicycle had hit my son? Would I have been blamed as the mom? Would I have been criticized as a bad parent? How would Evan and I have taken it out on each other? Would Colin have been okay? Eventually these thoughts waned, but accidents do happen, and I think that the majority of the time, they aren’t due to gross negligence.

(Photo from: Mirror)

On Weaning

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Colin is officially weaned off his nightly milk and that makes life so much easier for Evan and I. We have no more bottles to clean and no more nighttime mixing of formula and water. Colin’s sleep isn’t perfect yet, but at least the three of us are having less interrupted nights, and Colin is slowly learning to go back to sleep without his milk. Another plus to this is that we don’t have to travel with bottles anymore. We were in Alicante this weekend and while I took a bit of formula as an emergency, I didn’t bring any bottles! #parentwin

In typical parent fashion, I d0 feel slightly nostalgic that this phase of parenthood is ending. Milk was such a comfort for Colin and I’m glad we gave it to him for as long as we did.

(Photo from: Babble)

 

Reading With Colin at 22 Months

I always knew that I would make an effort when it came to reading with Colin and so in January, I set a resolution to read three books to him every night. Evan and I have stuck with it, except when we were in Austria, on vacation, and it’s really paid off! After I put his pjs on, I tell Colin to grab some libros (books in Spanish) and he brings me his favorite ones.

The Little Engine That Could

(Sometimes I trick him and read him the above book in Spanish :-))

The Wheels On The Bus

Thomas & Friends: My First Railway Library: Thomas and the Easter Egg Hunt

Do you notice the trend? We’re currently in love with trains and buses. 😉

I’m excited to see how this habit that we have will change and develop over time.

 

 

Hi, it’s me, again.

WOMENS_PRODUCTS

This might be the one hundredth time that I take a break from writing, but I’m back. The last time I wrote I had a thirteen month old and now he’s 22 months old! And still not sleeping through the night. But more on that some other time.

Today, I just want to talk about a little morning ritual that made me perkier a few months back when being woken up at 5 a.m. every morning just sucked. The. Life. Out. Of. Me.

Rose Water by Pukka Herbs.

Before Rose Water came into my life, my morning routine looked something like this:

4:45-5:15 Colin starts crying. Stumble out of bed and try to put him back to sleep.

5:15-6:00 Fail miserably at putting him back to sleep.

6:01 Take my thyroid pill.

6:02: Head downstairs to clean up after my toddler for about an hour and a half before I have to start getting ready for work.

After Rose Water came into my life, my morning routine looked like this:

4:45-5:15 Colin starts crying. Stumble out of bed and try to put him back to sleep.

5:15-6:00 Fail miserably at putting him back to sleep.

6:01 Take my thyroid pill.

6:02 Spray my face with Rose water. Feel refreshed.

6:03: Head downstairs to clean up after my toddler for about an hour and a half before I have to start getting ready for work.

You might think that a minute is really insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

But for me, it wasn’t. And still isn’t. Spraying myself with Rose Water allowed me to take control of one minute of my morning routine. It allowed me to own that minute, infusing myself with self-love and self-care. And that’s huge. 

Do you have any tiny morning rituals that make a huge difference to you?