On Starting

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To be honest, starting anything new, different, is so difficult for me. I face so much resistance from my mind, and most of it is justified… I work full-time, I have a two-year old son, I’m married.

My internal conversations most of the time go something like this:

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Me: I want to exercise….Let’s go to the gym.

Mind: GYM?! But your Boss never leaves his desk and you leave early to pick Colin up and he likes facetime, so def a big NO NO.

Me: What about fifteen minutes?

Mind: What’s fifteen minutes going to do for you?!?! NOTHING. 

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Me: I want to start writing again

Mind: LOL. LOL. LOL. Writing?! You don’t have the time you petulant fool, stick with the basics. 

Me: What if I make the time?

Mind: And what – Never see the light of day again?! Just don’t bother. 

Change something in the above variations and you have what I call My Resistance, or own personal war.

My life IS pretty full and if I work hard enough, I can convince myself pretty effectively, that I don’t have the energy or the bandwidth to take anything else on.

But.

Over the last few weeks, having a full enough life hasn’t felt like a good enough reason to not start. I’ve felt antsy and the need to shake things up, and so I have. I’ve started blogging again, and writing ,and I signed up for a course and these goals scare me, but I feel so happy that I’m doing something for myself.

I don’t mind if my writing isn’t good. Just getting something on paper feels like a huge accomplishment. I don’t mind if I struggle through my coursework, learning something new sounds fascinating to me. I don’t mind if my workouts aren’t expensive, at the gym, and consume hours of my time. I’m still sweating, sore the next day, and my body feels strong and healthy. And that does feel good enough for me.

(Photo from: Blog Free People)

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Today, I am tired.

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Today, I am tired. Tired of retreats for freelancers and entrepreneurs being promoted on my Facebook feed. I don’t need any more retreats.  Tired of self improvement gurus telling me what I can do to improve my life. Tired of pages promoting a more exciting and more fulfilling life (I’m noticing a trend here, and listen up readers, I will clean up my Facebook feed).

What happens when life isn’t exciting? When the shit hits the fan so to speak? When a family member falls ill? Are you really going to keep to your morning routine? Or when you lose your job? Will you continue to buy that $4.00 latte? Or when your child is born and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but exhaustion and exhaustion, layered on top of exhaustion? What happens then, coaches? How do you get to that perfect life when you can’t even manage to get through each day?

I’m also tired of Colin waking up in the middle of the night and not wanting to go back to sleep. I’m tired of Evan and I being tired and just wanting to sleep (hello, new parenthood. you suck). Tired of coordinating shit between my babysitter, daycare, and my cleaner, of providing clarifications for shit that is super obvious. (Dumbfuck, I paid you more than a month ago. If you can’t keep your records clean, don’t come and harass me. And if you do, I will give you attitude.)

I’m also tired of my first world problems. (Like this morning, the shower water went cold and I was like: WTF why is the water going cold? And then my brain told me to STFU and be grateful for the fact that I have water and a shower to use.every.single.morning). I’m tired of superficial conversations that don’t matter. Of assumptions. Of Expectations.

I Heart My Patio Set

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As the London weather improves, there’s no place I rather be than my Patio (even if the cushions are still stored away in the shed). Excuse the laundry, but there’s also no better way to dry wet clothes than using some good old sun. 🙂

Combined with a Passion Planner, Lemon and Honey Water, this working space totally beats Starbucks, as I can never focus enough due to the noise.

What things are you enjoying today?

You’re Not Good Enough

It’s a theme almost as common as water in my life.

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It doesn’t matter how many times I realize it, my brain repackages the message and shoots it back at me like a guerrilla warfare specialist, telling me for the millionth time, YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

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At Babson college, that meant taking 17 classes in a year and a half.

I didn’t have time to think or breathe.

When I was 25 that meant working a full time job, commuting an hour and a half each way, enrolling in a master’s program, and training for a marathon.

I was out to prove that I was better than everyone else.

Except I wasn’t.

Today, I’m facing a professional transition, and I found myself plotting and planning.

How to increase my skillset by taking more courses, reading more books, until I caught myself. AGAIN.

And for right now, for this moment, I’ve had enough of this message, of this lie, of this bullshit.

Today, at 2:09 P.M in London, England, I am enough.

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This curly hair that needs washing, this crooked tooth, this good heart, are enough. RIGHT NOW.

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Instead of planning to do Derek Johnson’s copywriting class so that I can get better at writing, I’ve decided to just write this out.

Such a simple, rebellious, action.

And instead of taking the Digital Marketing Specialization on Coursera, which looks cool and awesome, I’m going to focus on just writing and on looking for other freelance jobs.

Because I’m momentarily done proving myself to others.

See how I use the word momentarily?

I know I’m not done with this inner demon.